Lee "Ino Guerrero" Oswald

I was hit in the face with a baseball while a guest at my friend Ryan Shannon's 6th birthday. To be clear, I was 5 at the time. Aside from being cool enough to hang with the older crowd, with the application of steady pressure and an ice pack wrapped in a dishcloth, I was back on my feet and ready to go by the time my mom picked me up. I cried when it happened. I'm man enough to admit it. I also broke the legs on the kid who threw the ball. He was 18 years old, 6' 3", 285 lbs. But that's not important. What is important is that I recovered fully and eventually went on to be named a Rhodes Scholar.

Josh Beckett was clipped in the head yesterday by a bonehead coach wielding a fungo bat. For those of you unfamiliar with one, a fungo bat is an oddly shaped, light weight bat, designed to offer coaches greater accuracy and ease while hitting ground balls and fly balls to players during fielding practice. Obviously, Ino Guerrero was trying to kill Josh Beckett. The question is: Why?

Cary once pegged a telephone pole with a baseball unintentionally during a little league game. But that's not important. What is important, however, is that Josh Beckett predicted that the Sox are going to win 100 games this season. I'm not positive he said that because "Greg and Yoshi" had to lay off our research team. Not because of the economy, but because we realized that when we pay fewer people, including insurance companies and utilities, we get to keep more money for ourselves. It is also why we cancelled the "Little Yoshi Sports Foundation" which awarded scholarships to Japanese immigrants who exhibit excellent skills in mathematics and baseball. It's called greed. Get some! But to get back to what I was saying, without researchers, we -- and by we I mean "I" since Yoshi refuses to contribute so much as a spell check to this blog -- am left to fabricate every detail of every story that is posted on this blog. Please don't quote us (me) unless you're trying to pick up chicks. Then, it's like liquid gold.

So Cary pegged this pole, everyone laughed, except me who was embarrassed because I just saw my older brother, the person I was supposed to look up to and learn from, humiliate himself and our family in front of the entire Warwick branch of the the International Little League. But again, not important. What is, is the 100 wins prediction. If it were ever actually predicted, it would've been predicted predicated upon Beckett being healthy and pitching a few no-hitters and one or two perfect games. Or otherwise known by Vegas standards as a 'sure thing'. Well now, knowing that and knowing that Ino Guerrero had an off-season fueled by alcohol and poor betting practices -- practices that left him in the hole for exactly $1.632 million -- is it any surprise to learn that two weeks ago, two or three unsavory characters privy to Mr. Guerrero's off-season antics visited him in his driveway while he was working on his mint condition 1976 Thunderbird - the one with the racing stripe on it - and made a threatening demand?

They said, "Make it happen or else." To which Mr. Guerrero replied, "What?" The two or three unsavory characters looked at each other like, "Is this guy for real?" But what had happened was that Mr. Guerrero had not understood them. When the two or three unsavory characters made their demand, they each said the same sentence at the same time but with different cadences with alternating sequences of inflection. Mr. Guerrero, who was whistling the tune to "To Much Time on My Hands" by Styx and doesn't hear well to begin with, just didn't understand what they said when they said it. He was definitely not trying to give them a hard time. The two or three unsavory characters realized this and repeated themselves without delay. This time Mr. Guerrero understood them and knew exactly what the 'it' was they were referring to.

'It' was exactly that: Make sure the Red Sox don't win 100 games. Or otherwise known by Vegas standards as the opposite of a sure thing; which is i.e. a Big Pay Day. Now if it were me, I would've been driving my T-Bird instead of fixing it in my driveway for two reasons: 1.) I love to drive; and 2.) I don't know how to fix cars, especially '76 Thunderbirds. But Ino isn't me, and if I weren't me, I would go straight for my fungo bat. And that's exactly what Ino did. Unfortunately for Ino, he didn't consider what would happen if the crackpot team at Greg and Yoshi got a hold of the story and turned it out like a hooker in Bloemfontein.

Now Ino, the attempted murderer, is on the run. We call on you, the good people, the people who do good things, not like Ino Guerrero who tried to murder Josh Beckett with a fungo bat, to apprehend Mr. Guerrero and take him down like I did the 18 year old, 6' 8", 380 lbs. giant who purposely pegged me in the face with a baseball when I was only 8 years old. In other words, actually in the words of Lt. Aldo Raines, "We're gonna be dropped into France dressed as civilians...and I want my scalps. Sound good?" Go get 'em Gregandyoshiites!!

As a side note, although we think Ino Guerrero is a coward and attempted murderer, we wish him no harm. Even though we are both 3rd degree black belts and capable of kick'n copious amounts of ass, Greg and Yoshi preach pacifism. You can attend our seminars every Saturday at the Doc Fry Community Center in Madison, Wisconsin. Home of the 8 mile hell run. Good times.